Anna will be wondering whats happened to me.

We could move to another table, I said, but I knew it was over, destroyed by a malevolent force beyond my control.

See you later, said Jess cheerily.

And that was the last time I saw Kathy. If I were her, Id still be reconstructing the dialogue in my head, writing it down and getting friends to act it out, looking for any kind of clue that would help me make sense of that breakfast.

You never know with Jess whether shes being sharp or lucky. When you shoot your mouth off as fast and as frequently as she does, youre bound to hit something sometime. But for whatever reason, she was right: Kathy wouldnt have happened without music. She was supposed to be a little pick-me-up, my first since the band broke up - my first ever as a non-practicing musician, because I was already in a band when I lost my virginity, and Ive been in a band ever since. So after she left, I started to worry about how this was ever going to work, and like whether Id be in some fucking old folks home in forty years telling some little old lady with no teeth that REMs manager had wanted to represent my band. When was I ever going to be a person - someone with maybe a job, and a personality that people could respond to? Its no fucking use, giving something up if theres nothing to take its place. Say Id just kept talking about the books we were both reading, and wed never mentioned music… Would we still have gone to bed? I couldnt see it. It seemed to me that without my old life, I had no life at all. My morale-booster ended up making me feel totally fucking crushed and desperate.

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